Coping With Betrayal

Love hurts. Everyone who's fallen in love will tell you that. In a few days, couples all over the world will be celebrating their love for each other. Those who are in new relationships will be in that stage where romance is the prevailing mood. But those of us who have been in long term relationships will be celebrating it in a different way. And then again, those who have just been through, or are still going through a crisis in their relationship will have a much harder time celebrating it.

In my youth, I used to say that if the man in my life betrays me, I will leave-fast. Now that I'm in my forties and have been married for close to two decades, I'm no longer that sure. I have seen many marriages fall apart after a spouse strays. But I have seen more marriages go on despite the indiscretions one of them may have committed. When your husband strays, should you forgive him? If you stay, how do you cope with the betrayal? I have been asked these question so many times that I decided to write about it.

Whether one should stay in a relationship after the partner strays is entirely his/her decision. The answer depends on a lot of factors. For one thing, it really will depend on why the other strayed. Some men just lack the maturity to stay in a monogamous relationship. If that's the case, it is best to leave. Some stray because of a momentary weakness. Most of the women whom I know stayed believed their husbands were caught at a time when they were too weak to resist the temptation. And I have seen a lot of these marriages become stronger after weathering the crisis.

The first thing a woman has to determine when she finds out her man is being unfaithful to her is if her man still loves her and is determined to keep their relationship intact. Then she too has to examine herself and determine if she loves him enough to try to make things work again. You see, it takes two to make this work again. Once she knows this for sure, then she can take the steps necessary to repair their relationship.

The first thing she has to do is to ACCEPT that her man is not perfect-that he made a mistake. Also, she has to accept that she is partly to blame for what happened. They have to talk things through. And they have to do this without recriminations. They must both agree to accept their imperfections and try to work on them so that they don't commit the same mistakes again.

The second thing she has to do is to FORGIVE. This is easier said than done. To do this, her husband must be patient and he must be willing to talk to her and be sensitive to her feelings more than ever before. She has to learn to stop dwelling on the past and determine to move on and move past the pain. She has to let go of the anger and the hurt. She must purge herself of the negative emotions that ultimately comes with betrayal. All throughout this stage, her partner must be completely supportive and understanding. For some couples I know, this stage took years to accomplish because the anger and the pain takes longer to die down and mellow. But time is the great healer. And it does happen, in time.

The third step is to FORGET. This is probably even harder to do. As human beings, we have long memories and the more the memory hurts, the longer it takes for us to forget it. Then there is the perfectly natural reaction that once bitten, twice shy. We are reluctant to forget lest we get hurt again. By forgetting, I don't mean develop selective amnesia. I mean, it is necessary that the wife stop dwelling on the negative and concentrate on moving past the pain and getting on with their lives. Concentrate on getting through each day without thinking about her husband's indiscretion. In time, the memory of the incident will be but a blur in her memory. In time . . . .

The last step is to RESTORE THE TRUST. This is probably the hardest to do. But if the relationship is going to work at all, this is necessary. How can you possibly trust a person again if he has betrayed you before? Impossible? Not really. If you determine to trust your spouse again, then it will happen. It's not going to happen overnight but it will happen eventually. Of course, it will depend on how he goes about restoring that trust. The effort has to come from him and you will respond accordingly. The secret is to look for the good in your spouse; concentrate on that. Ignore the negative. By your faith, your relationship will be saved.

All these things are possible only with one thing: love. Love is not an emotion. Love is a decision. We do not fall in love. We grow in love.

The Chemistry of Love

It's February once again. . . love is in the air. With Valentine's Day just around the corner, it is inevitable that love will be written about and discussed everywhere where there are readers. Bloggers are not an exception. So here's a different viewpoint on love-for a change.

According to Helen Fisher, a leading expert on love, there are three stages of love. The first stage is LUST. She describes it as the initial, mostly sexual desire between two individuals which promotes mating. At this stage, the body shows an increased release of chemicals such as testosterone and estrogen. These effects, she found, rarely last more than a few weeks or months. But this is the stage of love that is prevalent among most people who are "involved" with someone.

The second stage is ATTRACTION. This is basically the romantic desire for a particular person. It develops out of lust to a commitment to a specific person. At this stage, individuals tested show that their brains consistently release a certain set of chemicals such as pheronomes, dopamine, and serotonin which have effects that are similar to amphetamines. These chemicals stimulate the brain's pleasure center and produces side-effects such as increased heart rate, loss of appetite and sleep, and an intense feeling of excitement. Research indicates that this stage generally lasts from one and one-half years to three years.

The third stage is ATTACHMENT. This stage is based on the type of bonding which promotes longer lasting relationships. It is based on commitment such as marriage and children, or on deeper friendships due to shared interests. The body, at this stage, releases higher levels of chemicals such as oxytocin and vasopressin.

The brain scans of people who are infatuated by love display a resemblance to those with mental illnesses. This is indicative, therefore, that new love is possibly more physical than emotional. Over time, this type of reaction mellows and the different areas of the brain are activated. These activities are based mainly on long-term commitments.

To those of you who have dates on Valentine's Day and are planning on taking their relationships a step further, keep this in mind. If you're in that stage where your heart races at the site of your "new love" and you can't seem to find your appetite for food or for sleep, then be aware that you are only on the second stage of love. This stage, as studies have shown, lasts all of three years. If you are looking for a life-long partner, you might want to wait until the "excitement" mellows before taking the plunge.

The Foundations of a Good Parent-Child Relationship

Through the years that I have been a parent, I have learned that parenting is a lifelong learning process. Experience has taught me valuable lessons on the foundations of a good parent-child relationship. That doesn't make me an expert, I know, but younger parents might benefit from them. So here goes:

1. RESPECT-This is the cornerstone of any relationship. Our children need to feel that we respect them as individuals and as human beings. We need to remember that our children are unique and are different from us. And we need to respect that. We cannot impose on them our beliefs, our style, our dreams. They have to be allowed to have their own, be their own person. Just as we expect our children to respect us, we need to respect them, too.
2. COMMUNICATION-We have to keep the lines of communication open between ourselves and our children. Each child is unique so we need to know our children well. Some children do not open up. We have to learn to listen to them even when they have not said a word. Most of the time, we can see, through their actions, if something is bothering them. Let them know you are there for them. When they are good and ready, they almost always come to you for help. Also, we need to be careful what we say to our children. We should not be over-critical when they fumble. We should know how to say things so that we do not offend them. When we criticize them often, we are in danger of damaging their self-esteem. Knowing their worth as human beings is an important foundation of their personality. It is the backbone of their existence. So we should not, in any way, be the one to damage that.
3. TIME-My world revolves around my children. In that, I am blessed. But I know not all moms are as fortunate as I am. There are millions of moms out there who are missing out on their children because they need to work. But this is not an excuse. We need to make time for our children. My mom used to take us with her to her office when we were children just so we can have some quality time together. She would schedule out-of-town trips with us so we can have time to bond. Even when she had live-in seminars she would insist on getting a room for us in the hotel where they were staying so that we could be together in the evenings. Otherwise, we would be at risk of alienating our children from us. We will not be able to get to know them if we don't spend time with them.

Parenting is a big responsibility. We should take it seriously. Every step of the way, we should think about our response to the smallest things. Although we parents are their first teachers, I have found that I have actually learned, and continue to learn from my children. Ultimately, my guide to effective parenting has been myself. Whenever I am in a situation which I am unsure about, I think back to the time when I was a child and how I felt back then. And I respond from there.