Coping With Betrayal

Love hurts. Everyone who's fallen in love will tell you that. In a few days, couples all over the world will be celebrating their love for each other. Those who are in new relationships will be in that stage where romance is the prevailing mood. But those of us who have been in long term relationships will be celebrating it in a different way. And then again, those who have just been through, or are still going through a crisis in their relationship will have a much harder time celebrating it.

In my youth, I used to say that if the man in my life betrays me, I will leave-fast. Now that I'm in my forties and have been married for close to two decades, I'm no longer that sure. I have seen many marriages fall apart after a spouse strays. But I have seen more marriages go on despite the indiscretions one of them may have committed. When your husband strays, should you forgive him? If you stay, how do you cope with the betrayal? I have been asked these question so many times that I decided to write about it.

Whether one should stay in a relationship after the partner strays is entirely his/her decision. The answer depends on a lot of factors. For one thing, it really will depend on why the other strayed. Some men just lack the maturity to stay in a monogamous relationship. If that's the case, it is best to leave. Some stray because of a momentary weakness. Most of the women whom I know stayed believed their husbands were caught at a time when they were too weak to resist the temptation. And I have seen a lot of these marriages become stronger after weathering the crisis.

The first thing a woman has to determine when she finds out her man is being unfaithful to her is if her man still loves her and is determined to keep their relationship intact. Then she too has to examine herself and determine if she loves him enough to try to make things work again. You see, it takes two to make this work again. Once she knows this for sure, then she can take the steps necessary to repair their relationship.

The first thing she has to do is to ACCEPT that her man is not perfect-that he made a mistake. Also, she has to accept that she is partly to blame for what happened. They have to talk things through. And they have to do this without recriminations. They must both agree to accept their imperfections and try to work on them so that they don't commit the same mistakes again.

The second thing she has to do is to FORGIVE. This is easier said than done. To do this, her husband must be patient and he must be willing to talk to her and be sensitive to her feelings more than ever before. She has to learn to stop dwelling on the past and determine to move on and move past the pain. She has to let go of the anger and the hurt. She must purge herself of the negative emotions that ultimately comes with betrayal. All throughout this stage, her partner must be completely supportive and understanding. For some couples I know, this stage took years to accomplish because the anger and the pain takes longer to die down and mellow. But time is the great healer. And it does happen, in time.

The third step is to FORGET. This is probably even harder to do. As human beings, we have long memories and the more the memory hurts, the longer it takes for us to forget it. Then there is the perfectly natural reaction that once bitten, twice shy. We are reluctant to forget lest we get hurt again. By forgetting, I don't mean develop selective amnesia. I mean, it is necessary that the wife stop dwelling on the negative and concentrate on moving past the pain and getting on with their lives. Concentrate on getting through each day without thinking about her husband's indiscretion. In time, the memory of the incident will be but a blur in her memory. In time . . . .

The last step is to RESTORE THE TRUST. This is probably the hardest to do. But if the relationship is going to work at all, this is necessary. How can you possibly trust a person again if he has betrayed you before? Impossible? Not really. If you determine to trust your spouse again, then it will happen. It's not going to happen overnight but it will happen eventually. Of course, it will depend on how he goes about restoring that trust. The effort has to come from him and you will respond accordingly. The secret is to look for the good in your spouse; concentrate on that. Ignore the negative. By your faith, your relationship will be saved.

All these things are possible only with one thing: love. Love is not an emotion. Love is a decision. We do not fall in love. We grow in love.